Saturday, 29 September 2007

Grapes Chapter 1-15 +CHAP13 TASTER

Chapters 16+

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Info You Probably Don't Care About
Becky started writing a Resident Evil story some time in an estimated 2005, and a while ago we wrote the next two chapters after finding the first two in my memory box lol. It gets kinda, um, wrong in places but it's all pretty harmless & funny, although there are a lot of private/inside jokes that only we will understand XD. Happy reading!
EDIT: I'd also like to make the following point VERY clear. None of us are actually in love with any of these characters, it's just some strange personal joke we've had going for ages. Heh.

Chapter 1
Leon woke up hot and sweaty. It had been like this since Ramon died in Ramon's castle. Oddler Saddler was nowhere to be seen and as for Ramon, well, Leon has disposed of him. So Leon decided to live in the castle with his dead friend's body, Luis.
Ashley heard Leon's footsteps. She'd told her dad she wanted to stay with Leon. Leon had objected but Ashley insisted. She didn't want to miss Leon's next adventure. They had killed El Gigante, Delago, the Bella Sisters, Doctor Salvador, Bitores Mendez and, of course, Ramon. Ashley had decided she would rather risk her life for fun than be bored in the White House. She closed her eyes and fell to sleep.
"Woof," barked Razzle. Leon had saved him from a trap while he was looking for Ashley. Leon and Razzle had also killed El Gigante. Razzle adored Leon so Leon kept him.
"Shush Razzle, you'll wale up Ashley."
"Oh Razzle shu...oh my god."
Leon dropped the milk on the floor. And a grape.

Chapter 2
Leon laughed. "God damn Ashley," he laughed looking at the thing in front of him. He kicked it then walked off, Razzle trotting behind him.
"That'll give Leon a scare," Ashley laughed.
She thought how how she'd put a stuffed Iron Maiden in the kitchen as she knew Leon would get his pint of milk.
Leon put on the TV he bought of the merchant along with the free gun. In return the merchant had his own stall in the attic. 'My Coat' he'd named it.
Ashley got up, got dressed and went down. Leon was watching TV so she went to the kitchen. 'Leon had found it', she thought. She opened the fridge and ate pancakes.
Leon decided to play Resident Evil 4. "Hey, there's me!" he joked. He heard Ashley eat.
Ashley sighed as she washed the dishes. She turned round and felt a hand on her shoulder. She got yanked out of the window.
"Leon," she whispered, "Help." And a grape.

Chapter 3
Leon sprawled across the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling and then paused for a moment. He suddenly realised he couldn't hear Ashley washing the dishes as she usually did at 8 0' clock after her breakfast of pancakes. He let out a piercing scream, threw on his Converse and flew to the kitchen (he had just had Red Bull).
Leon peered round the kitchen nervously as he thought Ashley was playing another practical joke. He bellowed her name loudly twice and when he got no response he began to panic. His head became sweaty, his vision became blurry and his clothes became baggy. He vomited in the merchant's mouth (the merchant was asleep in the kitchen with his mouth open) and felt instant relief. Ashley was kidnapped and Leon jumped out of the window.
Leon did a rewind and he shoplifted the sleeping merchant. He also checked the merchant's undergarments which were Hello Kitty. "Hello little kitty," Leon cooed before comparing them to his own My Little Pony undies. They were so overrated. He stomped in a jealous, girly rage. Leon then got the phone he had just stole and pressed random buttons till he got the right number like Steve. And a grape.

Chapter 4
"Leon where are you?" Ashley paced and started singing, "You can reach me by railway, cross the desert like a caravan. I don't care how you get here - just get here if you caaaaan." Ashley sank to the floor and sobbed a little. Suddenly she heard footsteps. She leapt as the door opened. The door opened. "Oh my god it's you!"

"Hi. You've reached Vaan's answer phone. Vaan's not here right now, he's out getting a nose job. I'll call you back later you home-skillin' biscuit! And if it's that sexy Leon you've got a job that you haven't finished. Oh, and if it's Becky, I was joking about that last bit...Beep."
"God dammit Vaan. You shouldn't of brought that up!" Leon screamed in an angering rage. He lobbed his phone out of the window hitting the passing figure of one Steve Burnside.
Leon knew what he had to do. He flung the door open and ran into the horizon never to be seen again. Or was he? And a grape.

Chapter 5
Ashley gawped at the blonde teen standing before her. She thought to herself, Heaven must be missing an angel, because he's standing right in front of me.
"Welcome to my humble abode," he purred.
His voice was like the sunshine of a rainy day. It brightened up her life. Ashley checked out his body. He had perfectly formed abs and his metal pants hung dreamily to his hips. His hair had just enough gel on it to make him look like a God. His pendant which oozed with gorgeousness hung elegantly round his neck. His nose was unnaturally perfect. He had button ears and kissable lips. He was a fine specimen of a man.
"Follow me," he said, grabbing Ashley's hand and leading her somewhere.

Leon awoken from his deep sleep.
"Morning!", the chestnut-haired teen known as Steve toddled out of the barn which Leon was sleeping in. Leon had straw sticking out of his hair, he had one rough night sleeping. Leon had been thinking of Ashley and the torture she must be going through. He decided he needed a drink so he brushed his hair and walked out towards the nearest bar. And a grape.

Chapter 6
The phrase 'Follow Me' reminded Ashley of someone but she couldn't quite put her finger on who. Her whole attention was drawn to the sex god leading her down the dimly lit corridor. Shadows fell across his features as he strutted towards the master bedroom.

Leon glanced around the pub before setting his eyes on a bar stool. On the way towards it, Leon hi-fived Steve, before settling into his chosen seat. Leon needed a plan. And he needed one now! This was what he was thinking when he realised there was a random shrub in the middle of the pub. He eyed it suspiciously before being blinded by a flash of chestnut wonder. Leon leapt to his feet in an outrageous fashion, attracting the unwanted attention of the only other customer in there - the flying lobster named Larry. Leon stomped towards the shrub and grabbed some chestnut coloured hair.
"Not you again!"

The maid was strolling towards the bathroom when she stopped outside the master bedroom. She chuckled when she heard a girl giggle and say, "That's a dirty trick!" softly. The master must be happy with that new girl Ashley, the maid winked at the maid's reflection.
"That's ma' boy!" she growled in her strong Scottish accent, "I'll have to go shave ma' face naw." And then she ate a grape.

Chapter 7
"No fair," Ashley giggled, "I didn't know 'drink' wasn't spelt 'drinck'!"
The handsome dude ruffled his hair and spoke gently, "Playing Scrabble
® with you is fun."
Ashley giggled again before taking a sip of her champagne. He's really sweet and totally hot but I can't stop thinking of someone who meant a lot to me, Ashley thought.
"I need to go have a wee-wee," Ashley declared before jumping out of her seat and walking to the door.
Ashley skipped out into the gardens, looking at the blooming flowers. What had this man done to her, making her forget about him? He who had saved Ashley from death. He whom she shared a humble abode with. She remembered all this yet the man's identity remained a mystery. Was it Yoda? No. Was it Steve Burnside? No. It was...
Ashley landed in the pool (which she had not been paying attention to) with a sploosh</font>.
"I'll save you!", the man flew gracefully through a fountain before doing a 360 flip into the pool. "I was just looking at Scrabble® when I heard your screams."
Ashley looked at the man in shock. "What are you?", she gasped.
The man replied proudly, "I'm Vaan. The merman."

Chapter 8
"Got your stuff ready, Steve?" Leon paused, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Steve drew breath and replied, "Most certainly, my fine gentleman."
Leon stared blankly at him. "Right," he said.
Vicki and Becky ran into the pub at that moment and Vicki said, "Steve, we're coming with you! You can't leave your girlfriend and cousin!"
Becky nodded and put her hands on her hips.
Vicki launched herself at Steve and, among the hugs, said, "Don't leave me, my Sweet Chestnut."
"But what about Link, my Queen?" Steve stepped back and looked away, a pained expression on his face.
"You're the one for me," she replied, not looking him in the eye.

All of a sudden, Leon sensed a disturbance in the force. He then blacked out and fell to the floor.
"Am I dead?" Leon asked, awakening in a strange, unknown world.
"No," a mysterious voice echoed from the darkness. It sounded like it came from the Netherlands. "You are having a vision, my dear boy. I am in your brain!"
"You're in my, Kind [EDITORS NOTE: This was actually mean to say 'King' rather than 'Kind' but I found this typo pretty funny so it's staying put] Leon V's, brain?!" Leon exclaimed shockfullyfont>.
"Leon? Who is Leon?" the voice questioned.
"Uh, never mind," Leon replied.
"I am Dr Robert Namrams, a wizard who makes mics SPLODE! Har har! I am here to tell you an important message, sonny-boy, but I'll have to tell you in person, so come to my cove in the Persona Region."
"I have no idea who you are, strange man, but I will accept your proposition. As long as you give me a grape."

Chapter 9
"Okay fish boy, start talking! Where am I and how did I get here?!" Ashley yelled in the face of scaly terror.
"I'd tell you, but then I'd have to give you an afro," Vaan replied, looking offended.
Ashley gasped, "You wouldn't dare."
"Try me," Vaan replied with a cheeky wink.
Ashley jumped out of the pool. "I'm going to my room!"
Vaan grinned, "Actually, get your wedding dress on. Our wedding is in an hour."
Ashley span round and started to run, all the way screaming, "Leon! L-e-o-n! Leeeeoooooonnnn!!"

"Steve, we must speak with a Dr Namrams, he has information for me," Leon spoke and faced his friend and two companions.
"What sort of information?" Steve eyed Leon suspiciously, followed by a giggle from Vicki & Becky.
"I don't know but we'll find out won't we?!" Leon snapped with a wild look in his eyes before stomping out of the bar.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Steve called before running after him with Becky & Vicki close behind.
Leon stopped running and turned back to Steve, "Look Steve, I vowed to the President that I'd make sure Ashley was safe and now she's gone and I don't know where she is or what harm she is going through."
Steve winked, "I know what you mean, mate. Happened to me lots of times. The girl runs off on you."
Leon screamed, "SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" before heading to a cafe. And a grape.

Chapter 10
"Did you find out the direction we need to get to the Persona Region?"
Leon put his laptop away before spinning around in his chair to face the person who had asked the question, "Becky, shouldn't you be in bed? These rooms above the cafe are only available for tonight and we have a long journey ahead of us."
Becky twiddled her thumbs before saying, "Actually, I need to speak to you about something." She took a deep breath.
"You're pregnant?!" Leon guessed.
"No!" Becky gasped.
"You're gay...?"
Becky shook her head and said, "I am a vampire but I haven't told Steve or Vicki."
And that's why Leon fainted.

"Tidus, honey, why have you been so quiet lately? I miss my old bubbly sweetheart." Lydia looked at her husband and sighed. She married him on her twenty-fifth birthday and couldn't remember anything before that. Tidus was so kind and strong that she didn't care what her old life might have been like.
"Nothing," Tidus replied before stomping up to his room like he usually did. He didn't feel like listening to his wife tonight as his cousin had sent him an email. Tidus' cousin had found her. The other person they needed. The other person to help them. The other person who could help them conspire their plan. The other one. Tidus sneered as he replied to his cousin. And a grape.

Chapter 11
Steve sat silently on his bed reading the latest Kerrang magazine. Vicki sat on her bed opposite him, staring uncomfortably at her feet. She wanted to talk to Steve but did not know what to say.
As if he was almost reading her thoughts Steve suddenly asked, "How is Link?", flicking a stray strand of his wowondroushestnut locks out of his face, peeping over the top of his magazine.
"Steve, why do you have to do this to me? I told you I was sorry! Steve, listen to-" Vicki stopped as she noticed Steve had put his magazine down, came over to her, and was now gently stroking her cheek. She gazed into his buffalo blue eyes before Steve lightly planted a kiss on Vicki's lips. He then got up and walked out of the room.
"Steve..." Vicki sighed to the sound of Steve's footsteps echoing down the hallway.

"Leon! Leon please wake up!" Becky softly nudged Leon. Immediately, he sat upright.
"I knew it was too much of a burden to tell you. I knew I shouldn't have told you a secret I have told no other mortal. But I could trust you and Leon...Leon, are you okay?"
Leon murmured something under his breath before replying, a little too defensively, "Honestly, I'm okay!" He slowly reached for her hand but then turned towards the door. "I hope you had a good night's rest. I'm gonna go get Steve and Vicki, we'll be leaving soon."
Once Leon had left the room, Becky whispered, "I understand." And an emotional grape.

Chapter 12
"Where is that bloody man and why isn't he here?! I've been waiting an hour and he isn't here yet. If he doesn't get here right now I will murder him! We are meant to be a married couple and he keeps his bloody wife waiting! I bet you he is in the library. He has a huge house and all he does is stay in the library. A bloody mansion! Well, I am gonna get him and skin him alive, I am!" Lydia ranted to herself, marching up and down in the dining room where her dear husband was meant to be meeting her for some 'quality' time.
Lydia flung herself out of the room and ran to the library. He wasn't there either. Lydia screamed and in a moment of madness she headbutted the nearby bookcase. Falling to the floor - with a headache - a small journal fell into her lap.
"Tidus' diary, eh?" she smirked.

"Right, is everyone ready?" Leon said, pushing his friends into a line. "The journey will be hard. We will get sweaty. We will get dirty. We will get baggy clothes. We will-"
Steve, Becky and Vicki giggled before Steve said, "Leon, we get it. We really, really do. But I have one question."
"What is it?" Leon asked.
"Can I go to the toilet?"
Further giggles followed as Leon sighed, "Yes. Then we set off." And a grape.

Meanwhile Jenny sits in the bus stop staring at a random spider, she blessed as Bob. She let out a sigh as she made small talk with him.
"I mean how hard is it to jump out a window? you just DO it, right Bob?" She smiled at her poisonous friend.
"Do you like carrots, Bob?" Jenny asked, her reply was Bob twirling from a thread of silk. Jenny's eyes widened as her friend Bob hit the floor and scampered off.
"Well FINE!! I never liked YOU anyway!" She screeched at the fleeing spider.
Just then Balthier made contact with the centre of a target board on the floor,while Jade landed flat on her face. Balthier gave a chuckle before saying proudly, "I never miss!".
"God where the hell have you two been?" Jenny questioned while running after Bob.
The tiny spider crawled up Jade's back while Balthier let out a girlish scream and fled to the corner of the bus shelter. Bob then fell down the gutter grid, making a 360 spin before falling into the black water. Jenny looked over at Jade and her Husband who was still in the corner shaking while Jade put her arms around him and rocked him back and forth.
"What took you guys so long?" Jenny questioned the two.
They both looked at each other with flushed faces. "We were erm... playing.. with..fingerpuppets..?"

Chapter 14
'The Crunch Bunch' - as Steve liked to call them - set off down the lane. Steve and Vicki dithered behind Leon and Becky, who were heavily discussing the indepth subject of sea cucumbers.
"Steve..." Vicki started
"No, don't speak. I've had all I can take for one day."
A tear slowly trickled down Steve's face. Vicki reached out her hand to wipe it but Steve gently pushed her away.
"No," Steve whispered.
Vicki felt rejected and isolated but she wasn't here to lose her man.
"Steve, I didn't mean to hurt you. I really think you are kind and funny and the most incredible guy I have ever met. Link was a mistake. I was upset, drawn to the flame like a butterfly. My life was incomplete until I met you. It was like macaroni without cheese. I couldn't lose my precious chestnut so I refused Link's offer. Steve, I, I love you."
Steve gently turned Vicki towards his body and leant in for a kiss.
BUT SUDDENLY Leon spun round saying, "Guys, I just remembered about the old warehouse that my little kitty Mr Tiddles - rest in peace Tiddles," Leon paused with a sniff, "-the one he left me in his will. It'll be perfect for us to train in for any big battles we might have! Follow me." And a grape.

Chapter 15
The Crunch Bunch - as Steve liked to call them - arrived at Mr Tiddles' abandoned warehouse for Leon's Extreme Training Programme.
"Everyone put your coats in the corner," Leon said when they got inside the empty building. It appeared that he hadn't realised that no one actually had a coat.
Suddenly, the distant sound of drums could be heard...
"Lets get down to business! To defeat...the MAN!!" Leon sang.
Steve tried a preying mantis stance but failed and fell to the ground.
Leon pointed at Steve with a disgusted expression on his face, singing, "Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?"
Steve got up and huffed. Becky tried to do a backflip off the wall but fell off half way up, while Vicki tried some star jumps but got tired and fell over. Steve started to skip with a skipping rope that had appeared from nowhere but got all tangled up.
Leon pointed at them all, "Your the saddest bunch I've ever met..." He tugged at the skipping rope and unravelled Steve, "...but you can bet before we're through, Mister, I'll, make a man, out of you!"
Leon sprang into action doing the most extreme karate moves and sang, "Tranquil as a forest, but a fire, within. Once you find your centre, you are sure, to win!"
He helped each of them but they all felt like dying. "You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue!" Leon put his face up close to Steve's and growled, "Somehow I'll, make a man, outta yoooou!"
Becky ran laps, as Leon had told her to, and huffed, "I'm never gonna catch my breath."
Vicki, who was doing press-ups, chorused, "Say goodbye to those who knew me. Why was I a fool in school for cutting gym?"
Steve stood next to them singing, "This guys got us scared to death," and then wet himself.
Becky looked at Steve and Vicki nervously and whispered, "Hope they don't see right through me", hiding her vampire-ish secret as best as possible.
Steve climbed up to the strangely-placed diving board and sang, "Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!" He jumped off the board too late to realise there was no swimming pool. He screamed as he fell into a heap on the wooden floor. [EDITORS NOTE: I really wanted to put that Steve's legs snapped here, but Becky wouldn't put it. For some reason.] Vicki ran over but before she could help him up Leon jumped in front of her and started singing over Steve, "BE A MAN! You must be swift as a coursing riv-"
"LEON THAT'S ENOUGH!!" Steve leapt up and shouted, "WE HAVE TRAINED ENOUGH!"
Leon, with a satisified grin on his face, nodded and while he had his back turned to them, Becky and Vicki sighed with relief.
"Guys, I have been to the Persona Region before so I programmed by TomTomGo Navigator to lead us to Namrams' house," Becky told them, "Lets go, for in the night, the dead men walk."
She looked at the horrified look on Steve's girly face and giggled, "Kidding."
And then the Crunch Bunch headed to the Persona Region. And a grape.

Grapes Continues Here!

Written by RebeckahD & Lydia K (although, I must give most of the credit to Becky)
Suggestions suggested by Vicki S & Jade G

The inclusion of Steve Burnside requested by Vicki S
Chapter 13 by Jade G & Jenny G
'Be A Man' song © Disney Mulan